I miss the jam sessions during Summer 2012.
I make things look so much easier than it seems. I guess that’s why some people think I’m emotionally content. The thing is, having the things you want doesn’t compare to having good relationships with everyone. At the same time, it’s not always good to want something but having no goals would be just as bad.
It does not matter what happened. All that matters is the emotion that was felt. Actions and events may be easily forgotten but the feelings incorporated with them remains in mind.
It’s been a while since I have put my thoughts into this blog. Most of the unspoken thoughts are written in my private blog, but that is not really relevant to this. I just had this sudden urge to publicly write the things I’ve been contemplating. Truthfully, I am not really sure whether this is the smartest idea. I am not even sure if I am going to keep it for a long time. Anyway, the past five months have really been interesting. I have become even more skillful in hiding my feelings to everyone. I’m not sure if it is a good thing or bad. It could mean that I have become more insecure of myself or if I have become more independent on others for helping me feel better about myself. I am not sure whether to explain how hurt I have been or how blessed I have been. I guess you could say both. Of course it is. There have been ups and downs in my life and that is completely normal. I just find it unsettling that the downs have been becoming more memorable than the ups. It is odd coming from me; I have been seeing the negative aspects of life more than the positive aspects. It does help me make sense of what is around me but it also makes me realize how easier it would be if I were by myself. My faith in God has been strengthened through the past year. However my questions about why things are the way they are continues to grow. I see all these hypocrites at church but I realize not everyone is perfect. I still cannot hold myself back from asking, “Why can’t we all be treated the same?” The truth that I have come to terms with is that certain people have a tendency to look down on others in order to prove to themselves that they can be a better person than they have been in the past. Whether this is unconscious or conscious, it does not really matter. All that matters is what you did or what you are doing. I’m really not interested in getting into a philosophical argument about whether serving God is really ideal for everyone. That is their choice and God gave us free will to decide things for ourselves. Aside from my thoughts about God, my friendship with certain individuals have been strengthened. Some have diminished. None of them actually went away however. I do not think I have made many enemies this past year. No doubt I may have made some but not many come to mind right at the tip of my tongue. The thought of whether they will still be in my life in the future always lingers in my mind. However, I quickly dismiss it from my thoughts to prevent myself from thinking about melancholic thoughts. That is another thing I have been doing for a while now, and I have recently noticed about myself. I often forget things on purpose so that the negative feelings do not get to me. I used to do it intentionally but it has been becoming easier to the point where I can’t even control what I forget anymore. Things that I want to remember never stick anymore. I guess it is a coping mechanism I’ve grown accustomed to. Family life has not been the best. It definitely is better than the past but not to the point where I’m content. I’ll conclude my monotonous post here. One last bit of information: I am content with my life in general. The pros further outweigh the cons in abundance. Perhaps I’m thinking the cons have a greater intensity while the pros are more prominent. I do believe that quality is greater than quantity. Okay, I will definitely conclude here. My thoughts have become circuitous to the point where I can’t keep track.
My tan line from work is embarrassing. Oh well. I’m wearing a V-neck today because YOLO.
Today is not my day. Stuff happened that set me in a bad mood then more stuff happened and it piled onto that. I just want to go out and walk for a while to clear my thoughts.
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